I promise you that I try to have good days.
I have a very complicated relationship with home economics. I acknowledge the acts of cleaning, vacuuming, doing the laundry, cooking, and everything in-between to be rather productive acts, ESPECIALLY as a prospective housewife, but often times the thought doesn't occur to me. It's odd. I see things change around me for the worse and I don't lift a finger even though I very much can. I eventually lift a finger. Whenever I "lift a finger", it's actually an hour long fugue state where I throw on Underworld and frantically start rearranging things, throwing away garbage, re-hanging one of the two Francisco Lindor jerseys I have hanging around - you get it. Pure uninterrupted focus. As good as can be, as if my mindstate for when I am studying at a library or running 3 miles was transcribed and translated into the bare minimum level of productivity. While we're add it, might I add that it often times includes me doing my skincare routine or brushing my teeth? Admittedly I miss those sometimes, but I have the benefit of the doubt with my oral hygiene (for the one or two days out of the week I forget to brush my teeth) because I generally have a diet that's low in sugar and I don't eat anything particularly odorous. Plus I'm in California so they put flouride in the water so now I'm a little gay. All in all a burst of energy and focus that is unpeered in most aspects of my every day life. It feels rather liberating.
So why don't I do this more often?
Short answer: "Don't ask me". Long answer: "My mind moves at a pace that feels so unnatural that even my lethargy feels frantic". In that regard, I feel like I've lived with both irregular sleep schedules and a strong caffeine habit for too long. If anything, it accelerates my neglect for such things while making the window of that fugue state larger and more gratifying to the mind - a change in swing aiming for a home run ball as opposed to a base hit - you're bound to strike out more. It's sad knowing that I'll eventually have to give up my favorite hobby of choosing absurd looking energy drinks to sample every month (this time around it's "Gorilla Mind"). I know I'll still stick with the preworkout but I think between the carbonation and the great taste of Gorilla Mind it's something that most definitely has to go because I too know for fucking certain that upwards of 700mg of caffeine throughout the day effects aspects of your cognitive function in extreme ways somehow. Writing out how I can consume that much caffeine throughout the day while also complaining about how frantic my thoughts and actions can be really just shows how dumb I am I'm sure.
But back to what I was actually talking about. These bursts of productivity. I've found them manifesting in the form of study as of recent (coincidentally coinciding in combination with me hanging up the Nagato "Work!" photo to my corkboard) and in the form of me doing the should-be habits I said I had been neglecting regularly. Maybe I'm adapting. This might be a bad thing to adapt to, however.
Truth is that my insane home economics work is often in naught. Somehow I find a way to fuck it up subconsciously. In 3 days time it's like I was back at square one, if not worse. I see a problem, I'm like "damn, that's fucking ugly" or "damn, that's a minor inconvenience", I tell myself that I'll fix it, and then I just don't. Maybe it will get done when I'm in a good mood. The culprit's easy to see here. When your mind is trying to shuffle through a thousand different things at once, not being able to discern that which is of the highest priority from a sea of slop and homoerotic 80s British synthpop lyrics, are you gonna really do it later? A brutal cycle. It gets a white boy really asking "What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?" if you know what I'm saying desu.
Anyways.
I also usually don't stretch before or after workouts and what would happen when I was doing like 90lb weighted dips is that I'd go until failure but whenever I caught myself mid-rep I'd have to return to my idle position and that forced all of that load to bear on my shoulders which usually caused very prevalent nerve pain to the sides of my collarbone for almost 2 weeks straight. I'm almost certain if I keep going on like this I will almost certainly go to the hospital, I keep telling myself to stretch but I just never fucking stretch. I don't even stretch before I run too. It's not like I'm doing some baby ass white girl shit to make my ass look fat I'm going Cam Skattebo on those treads with shit form and tight hammys and everything and it's turning my legs into pulled pork. It's killing my gains. I'm killing myself. Gorilla Mind is killing me.
Anyways.
Even though I'm sure you could tell that was a joke, I think it's a bad thing to blame the brute of my problems on one thing. It can be a massive part of it, sure, but it's not the solution. I finally figured out what antihistamines were and I can breathe now. At the same time, I still start crying with snot running down my nose and all after 5 minutes outside when the pollen is especially up and moving around in nice sunny California. I can't eat like shit and expect my gut-brain axis to be fine since I'm no longer filled with gas now. I'd just be reinventing my problems in a positive light. "Now that I'm no longer addicted to Gorilla Mind, I can finally, truly 'do it later'!" I say as I do not, "do it later". I've acknowledged my problem yes, but do I have it in me to actually try and solve it for good? Well I'm working on it. When I have to work on more things, consistently working on things will surely become a habit. I go to the gym and damn near injure myself that way, and I study for my fuck-you hard exams coming up in like 2 weeks (christ) that way as well. Can I really not replicate this in any other aspect of my life due to what I perceive to be my own limitations? Most certainly not; we begin with eliminating strongly correlated variables. Good things will come if I give up the pleasures of Gorilla Mind for, say, green tea. Fuck coffee I literally have GERD now.
This past year has been a time of self discovery for me. Is it great? Is it horrible? I don't know. Sexual? I don't hate anal. All of what I've gone through has sort of exposed to me how flawed I really am fundamentally and how complicit I was in neglecting these things in order to shift the blame towards something substantially more visceral and esoteric than direct like lifestyle choices or the true extent of my commitment. The least I can do at this current moment is lay the framework for things I inevitably plan to do when I'm not as on-edge as I am right now. I would have mentioned "free time" there but really I have a fuckton of free time still and the only thing that's changed is that I occasionally allocate a few hours of it towards studying. I wish I could write about something more interesting but it's seriously 4 AM right now and I don't know what's wrong with me.
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