It's been a while since I actually bothered to sit down and write and justifiably so. Most of the time I've spent in the past few weeks has been exclusively dedicated to dreading over my exams. I dedicated a bunch of my time meticulously going over the shit I needed to know for most of my classes. In the end I neglected sleep and even my diet a little bit but I think it was to my benefit in the end. If you were to see the result of the "benefit" in question, you'd think I'm just lying out of my ass. I really didn't do well whatsoever. It is important to keep in mind that I am viewing this strictly within the scope of my circumstance.
As a brief refresher, I dealt with a handful of ailments that limited my energy throughout the day and was a constant cause of brainfog. I often thought that these things were almost entirely out of my control - in truth, I just was neglecting to use the resources around me that were graciously provided - so in a way I have nobody but myself to blame for this. It's something that I can't help but be angry at myself at. It had taken me a year for me to understand why things were the way they were. As usual, it took a fire being properly lit under my ass for me to sober up and seek out a solution myself instead of waiting on some sort of instantaneous solution. I am angry at this too. So, despite my recent """successes""", I feel like I've failed in most regards. Not to get too depreciating, but I think I've failed myself first and foremost.
I am my #1 critic. That does not stop me from having a crippling ability to judge my own actions within the moment. Whenever I withheld a chore to do later, or started and stopped a project impromptu, I couldn't really tell myself that I just cannot afford the time to do those sorts of things. My academic schedule is needlessly rigorous and, if you fall behind, you'll stay there. Same goes for a lot of things if you're under a specific umbrella of mental illness, I feel. Things just needlessly pile on the moment you hold off acting on them, becoming so intimidating that you're less inclined to begin working on them, despite the fact that you most definitely need to and you don't have forever to do so. A very vicious cycle, accentuated by the fact that it felt like most of my days were spent in bed.
When I say "days", I quite literally mean daytime. Things were just needlessly overbearing. The heat first and foremost. There is not a lick of fucking air conditioning in this place. Having to sweat my ass off alongside a needlessly large group of people (while facing the full force of chronic pollen/dust allergies simulatneously), it just became too exhausting. I couldn't pay attention, I couldn't think straight when it came time to apply the concepts I was supposed to be picking up on relatively quick, and I absolutely could not stand how cut-throat everything is, was, and will be. Often times after all of the mandatory time blocks in my schedule had passed, I just laid down. I laid down for who knows how long. Often times I stayed up. Other times I napped and, whenever I woke up, I'd be coated in sweat, nose stuffy, crusty as fuck, in a worse condition then I was before. Keep in mind that my room was always a bit of a mess too, so it's not like I was awakening to see my beautiful Latina wife or whatever, I saw the printer, the Nadeko figure I have, the boxes of energy drinks and miscellaneous nutritional powders I had stashed under the other vacant bedframe, and my flaccid dick and balls. I wouldn't call that affirming at all. Yet I survived.
Then again, I just don't only want to survive, I want to do more. I know I can do more, and I have done more since coming to grips with the things that had constantly plagued me in the past. Issue was that it was too late. It'll be a few months up until I can put things back into practice. The issue is that I don't think it's anything nearly as straightforward as riding a bike. Habits are hard to build for someone like me in the first place; this is something that I think I cannot afford to lose at this current moment. I'm not hopeless in the face of this idea though, because I do believe the energy is easy to replicate in my everyday life, it just involves removing a lot of the entropy, more so than I felt I have already.
I'm a firm believer of the idea that, as a result of the information age, humans (yes, us collectively) have reached the stage where we are taking in more information than what we can realistically comprehend. The idea makes sense if you look at how platforms like Xitter and the AI-infested shithole known as Meta:tm: Facebook have infected older minds. They have thought all that they thought there was to think for the vast majority of their lives, and now they're introduced to something that would've otherwise been completely alien in your minds. Are we surprised that these people are going mad or something? It's not like you need to be wise or strong in order to grow past the age of 50 anymore. I think American baby boomers are more than enough evidence for this. I've begun to ask myself some serious questions about why exactly it is that my thoughts rush so quickly. Really, I think its an unavoidable part of my life, moreso it's about the quality of these thoughts altogether. What do I take in on a daily basis? Too much, certainly.
My goals are now currently set on reducing quantity of thought in favor of quality of thought. The ways to go about with such a thing are so self-explanatory that I need not explain it at all here. If you don't know, sorry. Also, if you don't know, you're stupid, idiot. Maybe with such methodology I will feel more inclined towards ideas of leisure and productivity separate as opposed to some fucked up amalgamation that I currently occupy at all times. Being a strong proponent against constant "noise" of all forms, I have ironically found myself utilizing it myself. It's more than listening to music while doing chores or watching slop while eating [slop], it's like a constant stream being beamed into my ears for more time than it's not. There exist some times where I use actual noise (as in white/pink noise) to my personal benefit, say when studying or trying to take a nap on a long trip. I wouldn't consider these two things mutually exclusive. I think many people would consider listening to music in the shower and beaming indistinct sound frequencies in their ears in a public place to try and drown out the noise to occupy two opposite ends of the spectrum. I digress.
Recently, I've begun taking something to heart. A bum will always be a bum, but a bum has excuses to justify them not being a bum. A bum may not have an ID, which stops him from employment and any government benefits, but if they were to get one right then and there, do you think that they would put in sufficient effort for them to work towards a proper life? Who knows, but since there's a lot of bums still out there, the answer may teeter towards "fuck no". The excuses are gone right now for me. If I really want something, I know that I'm gonna have to work to get it, so I ask myself: "Do I have it in me"? As it stands, who knows. But I feel like I've lost my principle somewhere, and I should absolutely try and get it back for my own sake and the sake of my future.
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