"Perversion of self" is a phrase that flashed into my head randomly while going about my day. It has no meaning beyond how you would literally interpret it; for me to think of it so suddenly felt cool, like someone who's lived a life of wrongs sobering up and coming to grips to the conscious they cultivated when it had already become too late to atone. Think of Nicolae Ceaucsescu prior to his execution during the Romanian Revolution, homosexual political commentator Nicholas Fuentes having to respond his donation messages in the hole he dug with complete embarassment, and the Denver Broncos front office immediately after trading for Russell Wilson. Only when you see the consequences of your actions firsthand can you really begin to snap out of whatever deluded fantasy world you have created for yourself.* It is a visceral feeling, first captured perfectly with the death of the Green Goblin in Spider Man (2002) and second with that shit you posted on those fucked up internet communities you were on.
* This is only one interpretation of the idea and I won't guarantee I will elaborate on it after this
It always appeared as if finding refuge on the internet for socialization has been viewed as an act of the hermited and/or socially outcast, but it's no secret that the developments of the past half-decade have stretched this distinction to its limit. The phone is essentially a part of any one person now, and on the phone is usually nothing explicitly good outside of its base feature set. The "bad" of course is mostly in reference to social media or free to play video games with social elements. The purpose of these applications hasn't been to "connect" for at least the past 10 years. Publicly traded companies almost always have to turn a profit, and a large userbase just is not enough-- usually counterintuitive to this exact mission-- so slimy tactics begin to be incorporated. Bigger than targeted ads, it's stuff tailor-made to make you upset for the sole purpose of continuing your endless stream of interaction. The longer you interact, the more ads you can see. Add selling your profile to potential advertisers under the table, only now you have a profitable model. You purposefully mindrape your users because it makes you money. It's sick (good, think えぐい). Strong (powerful, think 強い) emotions are good at shaping the mind. We all have our ways, but nowadays it wouldn't be wrong to say that this is where the gradual decay of self would begin in most.
Look, I don't have to be the person that convinces you that the further adoption of the internet has been a net-negative to society. When your mind is still as malleable as it will ever be, it's damn near a cognitohazard. Anyone could feign influence and mold your psyche into what they want it to be. Teachers have always been seen as untrustworthy and needlessly strict, there seems to be a lot of cool people online, and we learn stuff on our phones now anyway. To look elsewhere on the path of least resistence might as well be second nature. Whether one is well adjusted or not they could be brainrotted in this way, but the latter case always poses complications. Say you are an outcast, a recluse, anything of that sort-- the problems expand far past social disposition, into your character and maybe into your home life-- good luck. The internet opens an entire new vector of unhealthy mechanisms brought forth by heaps of risk factors. With this new model there is nothing between a bad actor and a vulnerable teenager, the bad actor more often than not being one themselves; desensitization to all ills and a hopeless degree of nihilism planted and its roots spreading.
Bigger than just unfiltered edginess or disobedience is the existence of rings, cults, and the likes centered on targeting the vulnerable for the sole purpose of manipulation into carrying out horrible acts to themselves or others. The acts of individuals have been so consistently televized and put in the spotlight to where it feels like a simple fact has gone unrecognized that these types of groups exist and they are undoubtedly directly responsible for the things you're seeing on the news. Nothing you can really live with either, which is why they're all usually dead via self-inflicted wound before anything could be questioned out of them, outside of unintentionally password-locked Docs files of course. Likely littered with grammatical errors and nonsensical terminally online memes. Not to mention what must have taken place weeks or months beforehand either. One shouldn't expect "Satanist Neo-Nazi" cults to just stop at the whole Satanist Neo-Nazi thing, it's also a game of extortion and blackmail so of course pedophilia has to be involved in there somewhere. It is all shit that's unbelievably hard to stomach just talking about it, yet it's a problem which spreads far beyond the platforms which allow it to manifest. One must think of it as the inevitability of a troubled child's behavior, self destruction on a timer which just so happened to produce as big of a blast it could. The means to an end for such a grotesque situation is not the continued policing of online services, although stricter user protection laws with actual consequences behind stoking the flames of violent behavior would be a net benefit to all, but since that might completely hemmorrhage the American tech sector that will never happen.
It always will begin in the home. Herein lies almost a strictly American issue. Home and school are the only real spaces for the new American child, I'd like to think this is why we're here in the first place. Life as a massive, barren, hyper-paranoid suburb from which all individuality below the age of 16 is not only not considered "safe", but even illegal. Limited after-school programs and meaningful extracurriculars in many parts of the country have brought forth a situation where the only thing to really do is go on the internet. To say this in turn creates a form of "proto-autism" sounds hilariously fucking insensitive, but a quick analysis (on my part, of course) brings up tendencies which can no doubt be seen in authenetic spergs. I speak mainly of the separation of personalities of public life and private life, the latter of course being the internet to which is the only place where privacy is guaranteed. Bigger than just "acting different", it's the separation of a sterile, meek, even socially indept individual, and someone who's seriously irony-poisoned without a modicum of a moral compass or sense of structure. I speak from experience, and this is undoubtedly the highest form of the aforementioned perversion of self. You have to ask who you even are anymore.
One could also frame this as a crisis of authenticity. A constant concern of our public image(s) have left the apathetic as complete blank slates outside of absurd internet forums. One's forward facing persona, not only for sociality but also for employment, has to be completely sterile; the absence thereof a persona can even come to a benefit. Even if others do perceive you as "weird" or "silent", could they pin anything explicitly wrong about you? It's the safest path. You can't risk saying or doing the wrong things, else you'd face ostracization (and god forbid any receipts of said things exist afterword). We're perpetually at the mercy of others. You can see this all the time with teenagers writing callouts on their ex-friends for retweeting porn of an underage looking anime girl* or something.
* Ok first of all Sengoku Nadeko isn't "underage-looking" she's 15 years old and if you have a problem with that you can leave
To free yourself from such behavior you must first learn to not be so consistently embarassed and ashamed of yourself. Begin small with breaking old habits and trying new things such as walking outside and reading literature that isn't AO3 school shooter fanfictions. Communicate in others in such a way where they could only clock you as a little insane at most, sometimes eccentric, and somewhat sociable otherwise. Give small gifts to the people you love. Hug your mom if you want and cook meals in her stead. Remember to be nice to your internet friends and even your real friends if you have the liberty of having those. Run when the weather's nice. Sleep when you want but don't step too far out of line. Try not to work too hard. Don't work at all sometimes. Reward yourself swimmingly when you do. I gave you my best ideas but I'm sure you have more.
As a final thought I'd like to think of the era of American counterculture where 20-something year old white guys break out of their admittedly comfy cubicle job to do cool guy shit (see: The Matrix) as a microchosm of what others perceived as an ongoing authenticity crisis, albeit at a time where money was actually worth something and they were playing Firestarter by The Prodigy on the radio. The problems we as a society have collectively faced before have amplified to degrees which were only conceivable in science fiction prior and must now face it at the worst time possible. Nothing good will likely come out of it, just as nothing good has come out of you reading this.
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