1. Jumbo Underworld. I wouldn't be shit without this song.
2. This is probably the oddest I've ever felt.
3. It's very chuuni to try and articulate out loud, but I take everything into account. Academic stress, geopolitics seeping into every aspect of regular life, a continued inaction on my part (at least compared to my peers now, it's not like I do absolutely nothing at all at the present). Not to mention the regular problems that pop up everywhere in every day life. You feel the need to solve them. But even if I can't, it feels like I've already subconsciously accepted that I couldn't-- as if I expected it to fail in the first place-- and as a result I feel no different. I should be feeling magnitudes higher levels of stress, shouldn't I? There's a lot in play right now, both in and out of my immediate control. Now how can I make something out of this
4. I see people with deranged elaborate planners all the time and I've begun to think that's exactly what I need in my life. I can only work regimented. If there's not a set time and place for everything, it all feels too leisurely and it just becomes a detriment in every aspect. I need constants. You can only get so to used to chaos.
5. I always need time to eat though. Like quite a bit. Recent developments suggest that I don't need that time. In fact, I shouldn't have that time. Nor should I be eating much have that alloted time in the first place. In simple terms, my stomach's completely fucked. Nothing digests the way it should, nothing is satisfying or just filling enough. There's just too much that irritates it and causes chronic discomfort, which messes up the brain's function, among like a thousand other things (the gut is that important and we STILL don't know the breadth of its importance). I'm really running out of options, but it's making the whole gym thing hard to handle. Some times I feel like I haven't eaten nearly enough, and others I feel completely debilitated to the point where my physical function's completely impaired. Regardless, I make it a mission to go and do my best. This past day, I've felt the limits of such a thing. I need a solution.
6. Much to my dismay, I may have to do a lot of things, like chew much slower and eat less meat. On top of that, milk's horrible for all of this too from my experience, but oat milk is pretty damn good in the meantime. That, on top of remembering to actually stretch so I don't keep hurting myself all the time is the secret to being able to work on all cylinders and not be in a horrific mood.
7. One of the guys in my C class legitimately came from fucking Russia. I didn't know we could still have Russian international students but the Chinese do the "come into your hood (country) take your hood (millions of dollars in loans that will never be paid back)" gimmick all the time so I don't see why not. Anyways he was talking about how he could just steal shit on the internet and you can't do that in the states
8. I mean of course you can, just with a VPN, but believe it or not there's very little use for one in a country that doesn't give a fuck just as long as you're not meddling in its own rather disinteresting interests. You got to put a guy like that onto Mullvad every so often. Who knows I might get an IPTV method in return
9. I learned that the Chinese have crazy IPTV methods. Imagine being able to both not pay for RedZone and play bass boosted jackzebra out of the speakers of a leased Mercedes before fucking off to your country that won't collapse in 5 years.
10. I NEED TO 1 GET MY EUROPEAN CITIZENSHIP AND 2 STUDY ABROAD AND 3 LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE BUT NOT ONE THATS LIKE COMPLETELY USELESS ALL THINGS CONSIDERED AND WHERE I COULD MAYBE LIVE IN A NICE PLACE AND 4i need to stop dodging this question oh my god i really do have to study german don't i
11. du.... du hast... du hast mich....
12. Learning that energy drinks and caffeine aren't the sole cause of my discomfort was extremely cathartic. Instead, I probably have to wait a bit before having one after digesting my food to avoid bullshit like reflux. If you've never had bad reflux it's really disgusting
13. My achilles is sore again. If something bad happens to me, remember that I'm a voodoo doll for Aubrey "Drake" Graham.
14. I really have been obsessed with looking at wild animals whenever they appear. I've seen raccoons, rabbits, deer, squirrels, hummingbirds, and a cat or two. I love them all. I just need a way to display them well on the site, which is a question I've avoided answering for several weeks at this point.
15. I feel like I've done everything wrong but only slightly and subtly, and I won't know that I did until a pivotal moment in my life which is sure to come soon.
16. I have to ask how many people who know nice people know that they're actually nice. It's a scary idea
17. Sometimes my skin gets really red and sorta itchy and uncomfortable and I don't like it. Rosacea is up there with one of those skin conditions that serve no purpose other than being annoying as fuck. It and eczema are like Shaq and Kobe, one's a rapist and the other one's a psychopath
18. The Giants are on Thursday Night Football and that is a terrifying prospect. There is one of two outcomes that can come about from this and nobody will win from it.
19. Learning that I'm not remotely as depraved as some of the people I surround myself with has really humbled myself. But honestly, a part of me feels like it's because someone's always watching. I'm correct in this sentiment.
20. Now to acknowledge the fact and to like not care whatsoever? I'm not there yet. Not sure if I ever will.
21. Actually, I'm sure I was before, but the more I learn about online platforms like Discord the more cautious I am in my own speech. Maybe I'm being conditioned.
22. ... so when I put it that way, it's almost as if I've exhausted my own methods of free expression. You can't trust other people with your words anymore, nor can you trust a running automobile or a security camera. Do I properly journal now?
23. The i_ai_r journal would honestly go quadruple platinum amongst the "teenagers who watched too much TikTok and know what the 'dark triad' is" crowd for reasons that involve the misconstrusion of my words. I would say I'd be rolling in my grave, but honestly, by then I'd already be living out my fantasy of being a cute schoolgirl digging in other cute schoolgirls. That's how we're getting down in 2026.
24. Showers are really relaxing and I've had to convince myself to not take them daily because of the bad effects that constant showers (especially hot showers) can have on my skin which is already hilariously sensitive.
25. "Edits" are retarded unless they involve 5th year quarterbacks who need to be postured up as a prodigy plagued by being constantly surrounded by incompetence. I'm talking straight garbage time bombs down the field set to retard music that'll shoot to the top of Spotify in like a week tops.
26. Tell me you haven't forgotten that the Spotify guy funded Israeli combat drones already.
27. If you've been paying attention to the American stock market recently, to nobody's surprise (outside of the usual suspects), the new big things are combat robots and surveillance technology.
28. The banks are out of money.
29. I'm preparing to communicate solely through BluefaceIRC
30. je t'aime je t'aime
31. I think regardless of the moral disposition of the party involved I will never be able to live down those times I felt as if I wronged somebody
32. my calf ripples and i crumple to the ground instantly