1. The Gift by Way Out West has so much life its unbelievable. It and Ferraro (and Yves Tumor???????)'s "Live at Primavera Sound 2012" occupy a small niche in my mind of "progressive trance that sounds like it is restoring your color". If you don't know what that means please think about it for a second because I have no better way of describing this.
2. Today, I went on a few walks in the rain dressed in inappropriate garb. A short sleeve shirt and the shota shorts, that is. They were very unfriendly conditions, the reason I did it only being that it made me feel kinda powerful, almost like a test of intangible strength. The wind blew against me and cold rain poured down on me, I had little to no cover so it was a straight shot from where I was to my destination. I now know why white people crazier than me climb mountains without equipment.
3. My first bout of exams are coming up, I will continue saying this until they are gone. I feel kind of indifferent. Don't hurt me, please!
4. My wonderful Seattle Mariners have won yet another game without contest. I can smell it. Can you? Soon my Seattle Mariners will be in the World Series. They may even win it.
5. I've been losing weight. This is intended behavior despite the fact that I'm not particularly fat whatsoever, but I don't know if I'm maximizing shredding the remaining fat. I need to do that or else it will all be for naught.
6. In previous blogposts and in sensitive discussions in my every day life, I've brushed upon the concept of the desire to be simultaneously nothing at all and everything I could possibly be. You look back on the past opportunities you've squandered and desire for you to never make those mistakes again, while doing absolutely nothing in your power to prevent it from happening.
7. Maybe it's better to look at it as a very complex form of uncertainty manifest, but seeing how some aspects of my life have played out into the present I believe there's little doubt in my mind that neurodivergency could be the main factor behind all of this.
8. Neurodivergency, not in the "I have aspergers and I'm retarded and addicted to Touhou porn" kind of way, but moreso about very evident schizoid traits I find myself expressing in hindsight; think of partial social withdrawal because there's nothing to gain. I hate to affirm myself in these cases, but I still believe it's very much true.
9. What can you get out of interacting with most people if not in a completely casual environment with completely unserious people? You can see it now more than ever: the world is sterile, and sterile in such a way where people will leverage anything and anyone they have in order to get a foot up in the rat race.
10. In the end I believe it's all about autonomy. It's about the loss of direct control over what you want to do, when you want to do it, and if you want to do it. There's only so much ass-kissing that the human brain can put up with before it starts becoming contemptuous of your own existence. Think the way that grifters slowly start to become more jaded with the audience they cultivate, maybe before doing a heel turn or fucking off altogether.
11. Could this maybe expand into the realm of avoidance of personal relationships as well? The idea that there's nothing to gain and everything to lose. Prospecting every relationship as if the loss was guaranteed.
12. I hate to make enemies. Knowing that I've potentially done something to make someone whom I consider close enough to call a "friend" extremely upset to the point where they distance themselves from me makes me pretty upset. In fact, it only serves to make me ask "what did i DO!!!" often
13. Example: I knew someone for some 6 years and then all of a sudden they block me without a single sound made. Didn't talk often as of then but whatever we're adults now. But you pull That????? Like seriously what the fuck did i DO!!!
14. Regarding intimacy: Maybe all I needed was someone equally as avoidant as me. If not more. She pisses me off but I love her regardless
15. Regarding intimacy: I don't think of sex at all because regardless of whether or not I was in a dominant position I would undoubtedly still feel like I was being raped
16. Regarding intimacy: I am not sexually attracted to the idea of being raped
17. Top 3 pieces of contemporary American literature: Bay Area asian Linkedin posts, Paper Mario Sticker Star final boss music Youtube comments section debate, trueblissfuldeath
18. I think I really really really miss art. Even if what I made was never good at least I was doing it.
19. My favorite thing ever to say in reference to music production is "FL Studio Weekend", as if I were to spend an entire weekend of mine learning how to use a DAW to create dark football music or blue-eyed dembow
20. Maybe I skip the whole DAW thing and go straight to playing the piano. I can already type close to 140WPM on this Thinkpad keyboard, honest to god what's stopping me from becoming a piano prodigy?
21. You are all honest to god not ready for "Piano Weekend" yet. I already spilled the recipe on FL Studio Weekend, but Piano Weekend is something else.
22. Fruits of my labor from Piano Weekend will be crushed into jam to then be spread on the toast that is or rather will be my one of a kind impressionist eroge.
23. Performance of "Clair de lune" over forms of two anime women having sloppy lesbian sex and one of them is at least like a foot taller than the other. I'm sorry but I thought this was Debussy
24. My knees will never recover simply because I like to have nice long walks across difficult surfaces every day
25. Something that's crazy to think about (at least from my point of view, which is not to be trusted) is how your legs essentially act as all terrain vehicles of their own.
26. I'm not sure they'd constitute as a vehicle in the first place but they go from point A to point B and hey guess what idiot Car does that
27. All of that to say that, if you have a firm, slow step and think very little about what there is to look out from, it's almost as if your foot will naturally find its best position up a rocky trail.
28. I think lowly of me and my habit of staying up for too long. You have shit to do loser
29. Think about if I didn't get to 30 listings though. That'd just look bad for me.
30. And now I look great