1. There would be another fancily edited image at the top of this post here but I don't consider any of what is below to be a part of the current mainline iair series of blogposts and miscellaneous aphorisms that will be dropping at irregular times indefinitely
2. However, the content will still remain the same, this is because I'm insecure of the fact that the only image manipulation program I'm really comfortable with using (and want to use in the first place) is paint.net-- not reliably accessible on my current laptop running Linux-- too much of a minor inconvenience for me to bother with because my mind has been fried for quite some time
3. The definition of "fried" in this context can go many ways but I think it's better suited in the context of what I pay attention to and how long I do it for. This is a common ADHD issue I feel but my case feels very detached from what people usually end up saying about it because I 100% possess the capability of being able to do anything at any time with little-to-no outside distracitons. No music, no fidgeting, not even a few sips of water or getting up to use the bathroom at regular intervals. I am perfectly capable of being a perfect castrated little drone, yet I opt not to do so despite the fact that it would seriously help me get a myriad of things done in a comparatively short time have I jump from place to place continuously. As you probably are aware, that train of thought does no good for retaining information. Often times something visceral in me clicks and I realize just how overstimulating my whole piece of shit routine is and I decide to step back for a minute, often to directly return to it a few moments after. This is one choice in a series of choices I've been finding in my everyday life where a clear-cut solution exists for the problems I face yet I do not elect to take them for whatever reason and opt for the thing(s) I am the most comfortable with. Maybe this phenomena is best described as "forgetting that I have free will"
4. I of course withhold any attention hyperactivity when it comes time to write the iair blog or read pornographic Japanese visual novels, because that's where my real priorities lay (there's actually a yojijukugo for this, it is "本末転倒")
5. Confidence is my biggest scourge. It's never something I can just gauge to figure out whether or not my work is satisfactory or not, because there have been a plethora of times where I have possessed zero confidence in myself only to come out rather well in the end and vice versa. Maybe you're not even supposed to look at things in that way in the first place. It's very black and white, like I have BPD (which I probably do); a linear train of thought for something that can't be reliably spoken or named much like the Tao (the root of all things if you have already forgotten)
6. I feel like as a result I've come to accept that some degree of failure will always make its way towards me. It doesn't matter how I feel about an exam or my reading comprehension in a foreign language or the proportions of my crude sketches of anime women because ultimately the results will be volatile until I get everything down to an exact science. Maybe this is the "missing piece", what I fail to understand about higher education. Learning a concept is one thing, but what's expected of you is a brutal amount of derivation and repetition of such up until you get it, only to likely forget it in the case of anything general education you may have to take. This is potentially why the next big independent business is selling fentanyl laced "Adderall" (N-methylamphetamine) to computer science majors who have words like "cracked" and "cooked" in their everyday lexicon. It's like Anki for shit you'd never expected to have to care about as much as you have to in a million years
7. I'd love to dedicate my time in such a way where I can shut the rest of the world out and get the things that I admittedly loathe done to a satisfactory degree but I unfortunately think about the welfare of others too much. For example, I don't want to leave my wife alone for too long because she is scary. What happens if I do? What happens if I do, but understate my time investment and create unnneeded anxiousness in what is effectively a human-sized gerbil? It's all too much. It really is
8. I like saying things that are like "no, I do NOT have ADHD" but like a significant amount of my family actually does and also that thing happens where I drink caffeine and I'm perfectly capable of falling asleep not too long after. I can even say I get a little drowsy too. Just catching a few zeds here and there. Nothing wrong with a little mid day beddy-bye after a Ghost (quite the delicacy I might add)
9. Ultimately I don't think its caffeine on its own that matters, at least in regards to how my body handles it all. It's the shit they put in there alongside the caffeine in energy drinks and preworkout. Especially the preworkout. When it comes time for me to do my normal strength training I of course go out of the way to give myself a serving, but it provides such a viscerally unsatisfying feeling after a bit (or even almost instantaneously) for reasons I am still trying to discern. I actually find it often the case when I go below the serving size at about a half a scoop usually. The resulting feeling is death. Lethargy. I now have to remind myself not to do it under any circumstance
10. My legs are really working now and I actually feel quite happy. The happiness is mostly because I can finally begin to ramp up to start running as I could before again, but also because I want to finally begin cutting weight after my rather prolonged groyper fast to become a shredded hunter-gatherer looking unfuckable twink. As great as picking up heavy stuff is, I never liked having too much on my frame, likely because of that one time I accidentally tried to give myself an eating disorder at age 13. For a more serious answer: It's because I've been consistently running for way longer than I have been doing full-on strength training, and as a result I was always slim but never composed in an interesting or perhaps sexy way
11. 9 and 10 combination power hour: I've found some people saying that you should almost never drink a lot of caffeine before going on a run. I would like to think that this is advice restricted for shorter distances and faster paces, which wouldn't change a thing because this is exactly the thing I would do when I did my mile or 5k. It gets the heart moving more than it has to, and usually the max intensity for running speed is when you're sitting at about 180BPM. Before the Incident, it usually took until about a 10.5mph pace for that to be the case. You could hardly feel it in the moment, but it became rather uncomfortable when you had to stop and live with the feeling. Because I loved slamming caffeine before these shorter runs, I can only ask or wonder if I could have improved on my PB times simply if I could ignore my ritual for like 15 to 20 minutes.
12. Outside of that I think I've had it with trying to run Linux on new hardware. Or laptops in general. If you have ever tried to use Linux on a laptop tell me with a straight face that you were ever able to get the problem of battery life solved. This thing should last no more than 5 hours on a full charge even with Cutting Edge GNU Technologies like auto-cpufreq installed. That, and the very miniscule issues that keep popping up here and there that have begun to really make me upset (ZERO!! ethernet support, KDE krashing every now and then, etc.). It goes without saying that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side though. Windows has reached terminal levels of shit and there's nothing left to do except for it to be put down because upper-management types love putting buzzwords on everything without understanding that those buzzwords should stay as buzzwords and not frameworks for your entire operating system used by practically every human being around the globe. Calling it a "framework" is a bit of a stretch though because every iteration of Windows has effectively been a gradually more bloated software layer over 40 year old C code that is just about as sacred to the functionality of the operating system as cows are to Microsoft's CEO. This of course has led it to have some questionable visual design choices and a complicated systems API and a very robust software compatibility layer yada yada yada starts twerking. Regardless it all still just works in theory, but under very specific circumstances
13. The circumstances in question are to just not use Windows 11 at all and opt for versions of 10 which seem comparatively sane to whatever the fuck the 3 software engineers and 500 Claude instances are shitting out onto the 11 update servers without any quality assurance. Specifically, LTSC. Having used LTSC on and off for 7 or so years it goes without saying that it is the only version of Windows that you should ever use if you're not an Aristolean slave and/or sponsored by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. You've got what is essentially the core Windows operating system (plus or minus Edge) on a fresh install with absolutely nothing else. The telemetry that is sent by your system can be disabled in your settings and the only updates that are pushed onto you are effectively security only. These aforementioned security upgrades will run until the year 2032. In an ideal world, we'd all be dead by then so you wouldn't have to use whatever Microsoft has put out then
14. What's insulting is how everything that you've been seeing getting worse is because American markets are effectively devoid of competition and monopoly holders have a very clear path to make everything worse to 1) appease shareholders or 2) cut costs and maximize profit with zero consequence. Recall there existed a time where the courts were on Microsoft's ass because they had the NERVE to package a web browser with their operating system (likely out of contempt of not including Ryuichi Sakamoto's work)
15. Even before that though. In pandemic times, there was an update pushed to LTSC which added a stupid piece of shit "meet now" button to your taskbar by default. There wasn't anything installed as a companion to it of course, it was just an incredibly minor inconvenience or even a non issue that suggested that things could just get worse at any time. Your beloved Internet of Things Long Time Servicing Channel can become antithetical to its name and start packaging bullshit bloatware nobody uses intended for consumer devices, when everyone knows that every device running IoT LTSC is either a Caterpillar excavator or an ATM
16. I feel like Arian Kordi right now so I'm gonna stop talking about this with such immense passion I hope you're okay with that
17. A much more appropriate topic to imbue passion into is that of sincerity. I feel very insincere in all facets of my life and the root of such is a time in my vast digital life where the only way I could come to grips with the information I was pelting myself with effectively 24/7 was irony. You couldn't really just enjoy things on their own without running the risk of sounding like one of those old dudes who are way too passionate about ham radio or ameteur trains therefore the other option was to joke at the expense of everything. You HAVE to take the piss or else you run the risk of other irony-laden individuals having a gaff at you and it just so happened that everyone was an irony laden individual
18. ... and that seeped into my everyday life and I still don't know whether or not I enjoy anything at all. I could just be telling myself I like something but I could never really know because my mind swells with jokes at its expense and doubt of my own identity. It also culminates in a certain sense of pride which also plays into sexuality which is some other shit I'm only going to slightly graze on because my intention with these posts is to go off the dome with my thoughts but not to sexually assault the reader
19. I've had some people get mad at me (including an aforementioned human-size gerbil) for exclaiming that "I don't know what I like", better phrased as "I don't know what I'm okay with". In a fetishistic sense this could be something like pretending you're in an age-gap incestuous relationship. Like sure I'm 99% sure you, the reader, would say "that's tuff" but the struggle comes in the fact of actualizing your potential enjoyment in something when you know that your ironic posturing is at the expense of someone else when it comes time to do the whole age-gap incest thing. If you're actually insincere about your enjoyment without subconsciouslly knowing the fact while your partner is completely serious there's almost certainly going to be a problem and it'll be a problem that damages trust. Yes it's a very specific and out of pocket example but it's the best thing I can use to actualize this feeling because of its outrageousness shut up ass hole
20. Equating my lack of sincerity as being entirely psychosexual is wrong but it's just about as vulnerable as you can get in this context. You can be insincere about your enjoyment of your grandma's cooking and how she grills her steaks well done. You can pretend to like it (or find enjoyment in it if you're a sicko) but it'll have little bearing on your psyche because ultimately you don't want to make her upset; involuntarily toying with your thoughts and desires is a matter of its own
21. To better highlight this: I saw a really awesome post recently of a guy reviewing an onahole. Like he described how it felt on his penis and shit. Now it goes without saying it takes some nerve to be able to put that on a public forum, but what matters most in this case is how it fucking rocks. Like sure whatever this is what we're doing now and there should be little issue in it outside of maybe a "what the hell are you doing" here and there. It's weird and dissonent therefore its sincere. The type of compulsion that only occurs to you if you are above all labels. There would come a time where I'd actually be upset at a post like that though and its retarded because I've realized that there exists a massive fault in my mind with what I'm tolerant of from others and what I say do and think personally. When you contextualize this issue with artificial anime-themed vaginas and pseudonymous internet forums it becomes a lot less serious but a lot more obvious because I can then bring up the fact that I'm comfortable with saying that I'm greasefucking anime girls and think of a whole lot of bullshit in my mind yet still look at others' self-indulgence with the amount of bigotry as a southern republican
22. I never have the gall to tell anyone I know at a semi-personal level that though. The cases in which its justified teeter on strong moral and ethical qualms (ex. I will never be okay with someone preaching about who-knows-what in the world while consuming hard drugs) but often times I feel as if its just needless scornfulness on my end. Like of course there's gonna be some things that are best kept to ourselves but when you have a support system around you to tell you that the weird and perverse shit plaguing your mind rocks would you not take that opportunity instead of continuing to repress yourself?
23. Although I'm accepting of ageplayers and onahole reviews I am not accepting of couples holding hands in public. Some things are best kept in the bedroom
24. I have no idea if anything I wrote above is coherent or if I sound insane because as per usual I write these late at night so if I disturbed you in any way sorry. You can file an insurance claim if you want