Some of you may be utterly appalled by what I'm doing here, but please understand that it's how I used to write these posts up until I made the genius idea to switch full time to listing off each and every one of my thoughts. It's to my knowledge that this creative decision made me look "sexy" and give off "the (i)air of a sensitive philosopher" but please understand that all things in the mortal world are transient and you will read my fucking paragraphs or so help me God. Besides I think that I have a lot to talk about this time around ("this time around" being March 6nd 2026 at about 2:40AM) so it's up to you to decide whether or not that's a good thing. I think its really good for expectedly really selfish reasons; this is the time where I really start to lament on everything against my will, and I believe it is best I at least begin to journal it if I were not to finish it before I pass out from exhaustion. This maniacal way of doing something at an inopportune time for an inopportune time has been the modus operandi since as long as I can remember and there is no way that it's changing any time soon just as long as work keeps getting done. Again, I know I can do better in this regard, and it's more like my brain really just does not want to. It has nothing to do with "neurodivergence" or "autism" and if you say that I'm going to cry

There are things happening all over the world that we can't help but worry about. This has become all the more apparent recently, as it seems to do with every passing week, because I believe that we've earned the right to not have any consistent "good" for a while up until the hand of change is inevitably forced. This chain of misfortune has leaked into my everyday life, where there are 2 big blisters on the second toes of both of my feet and also I have an exam at 2PM on the exact day I'm writing this, and then a project to fine-tune (I might not even be there to do that) and then a paper or three to finish and... it's a very fun time of the year. It's in my best interest to not lament on these things specifically but the more fun uncertainties. A "fun uncertainty" sounds like an oxymoron but I guarantee you that asking myself whether or not my knees are actually healthy this time and whether or not I want to study abroad is a perfect use of time at the dead of night that is not 1) reading or 2) sleeping. It's in my best interest to really elaborate on the "study abroad" part because I've been struck with a burden of choice like I've never felt before, and the factors behind a choice to be made seem to always be more important than the others I'm comparing it to. I have locations in mind. I've got some sort of confirmation that the classes that I'll be taking will have no problem having some sort of worth to my degree program. However what I do not have is conviction. I have no balls and I have no certainty that any choice I make will be the correct one because change is scary and culture shock even more so. You know it's bad because I didn't even mention timezones yet and that is the absolute worst part of it all. The only justification for americentrism in my mind is that EST is a perfect timezone and anything beyond that (and the American continent(s)) is a gross perversion. Being in a position where I have to look at the details closely, I now understand that this is in no way a bigoted statement and is at least 90% true.

Regardless, I've got motives to go to the places where I want to go. I'd like to go to Denmark because the more I learn about Scandinavia and its underlying culture the more it occurs to me that it's basically Iair Israel. A big plus I've observed personally (watching Forsen on twitch.tv) is that most Nords just.. know English. You can speak in it just fine without the fear of having something be lost in translation. Of course, the lack thereof necessity to learn a language in the country of origin is a massive loss in extrinsic motivation to learn the language in the first place, so that's just something that'd be extremely cool to do elsewhere being not particularly useful at all; especially true when you call into consideration the limited amount of time that'll be spent there. The saddest thing in iairs eyes is that he will never be able to run a polyglot grift because there is often insufficient motivation out there in the first place to stick to learning it. I actually feel as if an exception can be made in the case of Spanish for myriad reasons-- adding to the fact that I actually had plans to head to Spain in less than a month at one point-- but even that doesn't seem particularly desirable because honestly I'd rather not know what my wife's actually saying when she curses me out because then I'd actually have to take it seriously instead of jerking off

It also occurred to me that something that could too be my "best option" (academically) would be to pussy out and stay within the anglosphere. In which case, I wouldn't want to go to Australia because they hate otaku and like 1/3 white people there are genetically criminal pedophiles anyway and I wouldn't want to go to England because honestly I'm not liking those guys too much lately. This leaves me with two options: head to a place where they very obviously do not like the fact that they were colonized by wankers, or head to a place where they very obviously do not like the fact that they were colonized by wankers-- but ultimately believe in the Anglo-Saxon doctrine of "national suicide". I can't even go to Ireland (the former, if you couldn't tell) so that leaves me with Scotland. Edinburgh, thankfully, which I know is a posh wonderland full of archaic architecture that they just completely lost the recipes for alongside shrubbery shaded a cartoonish green. When you consider the fact that the only architecture I've got to see on a daily basis is a bunch of slapped together single family stucco homes, strip malls, and tacky megastructure casino-hotels bankrolled by the worst entities on Earth you can understand why I'm so starved for some shit that makes me feel like I'm in a YA fantasy novel written by a woman who really really hates Asian people but can't say it. I think the big dealbreaker on this is that I don't drink alcohol. Not only do I don't like alcohol, but I also have the very invasive tendency of wanting to beat the shit out of anyone I see inebriated in any way. The prospects are horrible for me. I don't think seeing Celtic win the league for the 100000th time could save me there

Finally, there also exists the most self-flagellating and simultaneously the most perplexing option for me, and that's to head for the Orient and to choose life in Kyoto, Japan. I couldn't do Tokyo but I honestly believe that's for my own good. I know a fair bit of Japanese already via really starting to minmax my learning process through porn games and I also really really love baseball and rice with 醬油. Basically, I'm already a fucking citizen. My issues lay therein the fact that it'll be the most isolating feeling of my life. I'll be able to like, actually apply the language I've been bothering myself to learn for the past 2 or so years but at the same time everything about the Mysterious Orient from customs to their piece of shit timezone is completely different. I can also say that I'm unsure whether or not I would want to find a life of my own in Japan and maybe considering it as a place to live for some time (nor would I consider the UK either actually, but I'm banking on them restoring any kind of normalcy the moment they recognize a fire's lit under their ass). I have to ask myself whether or not a physical Melonbooks store is preferable to having extremely limited communication with just about everyone I know strictly based off of my own repsonsibilities that need to be attended to like a dozen or so hours ahead of anyone else. I'm sure it's something that I'd enjoy to no end have I actually commit to it. Something about this idea just doesn't seem right though.

I could do any of those things but I can also stay exactly where I am and ensure that I graduate before anything else. I'm not sure whether or not its surprising to hear that I don't want to stay in college for long (at least in my undergraduate program), but before I see any of the good I too see the massive cloud forming over my head in the form of tuition hikes and an uncertain labor market As to if "rushing" out of my degree program will help the latter, well I don't know. I do think that getting some experience living and studying overseas in Europe (and Denmark especially) would help pave the way for me to understand what exactly I want to do after graduating, especially since there's zero tuition there for EU citizens. With these specifics in mind, I think it's actually become more apparent that the first option I proposed may be preferable in all facets except for weather and anime porn. Nowhere is perfect though and it's ok. I neglect to mention the part of me that thinks I should stay where I should at about any time in the next few years, but that's just really honest to God boring and I don't think that's the avenue I want to take. If you have any input on this you have every right to try and slap some sense into me because honestly, I have no idea about any of this.

I decided to actually take a break for a day after writing all of the above. I thought that would encourage me to actually write for longer and more cohesively. This obviously won't look to be the case when I completely switch up the topic in a few moments and talk about my exam. I think I did well enough on it, and doing well enough is good enough for me; I have an interesting philosophy when it comes to academics that will probably compromise me at least a little bit in my future but will certainly help my physical and mental health in the long term. I just don't make it the crux of my existence outside maybe exam week. I can't imagine leading the kind of lives that those model minority wunderkind have had to lead for their entire lives. In all honestly I might've killed myself by now because even with being treated with a kind of laissez faire respect from just about every parental figure I've had in regards to academics there are times where I've felt unbelievable amount of pressure for tests and projects that aren't even life-or-death situations. I've been managing this and my general expectations a lot more recently. All of this is designed to break me but I do not do as much as bend. As long as I have a finished product of any kind I'm good. I'm clear of this. This is "low cortisol". Only thing that gets on my nerves is my wife. This is iair

Among these new increases in iair morale is the single most important one: my knees have healed. Legitimately. I can begin to run 5ks again now. It only took half a year, but the inflammation has died down with adequate rest. Of course, I have to still work to avoid overworking myself again, but I've begun to know my body's limits a lot more the more I've begun to push myself. For example, when my arms are sore as fuck, and have been sore as fuck for the past day or two, I know to maybe call it off and do some light stretching or otherwise as to not seriously give myself bicep tendonitis this time. Being able to do cardio again also allows me to finally put an end to the unofficial iair "bulk". I've gained maybe about 15 pounds from last year and most of that can be attributed to my nagging injuries picked up from running and not stretching and being so fresh et cetera. If it were 15 pounds of fat, I'd be showing my big belly wobbling around and burping straight into the camera, but most of it is muscle, and my upper body has become quite strong! I can maybe do like 25-30 pull ups. Anyways I want to lose some of that progress and drop down that 15 so my build can be comprised of mostly that muscle. Like a footballer (European). That's my ideal. I'm not even that tall. Considering that most of my pleasure is in running as opposed to weightlifting anyway, it would be more preferable to being buff and wide and having disgusting man boobs. If you like bara kill yourself.

I've been really lacking in leisure despite all of this though. I haven't been reading as much as I'd like, or drawing, or really anything like that. I do intrinsically understand that the last few weeks of a term in college are supposed to feel like this but I'd at least like to bring myself to do these things more as a way of relieving tension. I've felt like I've made quite a bit of progress in learning to draw the human figure well despite the lack thereof me using references or having any sort of consistency in when and how I'd like to draw. What I would like to do is compile a master-list of references that I'd like to "influence" my work and then meticulously study those images up until I become servicable. Some are saying that this will take upwards of a decade because "I'm not Asian" but it's ok because wo shi (that's "I am" in Mandarin) the greatest to ever do it. I've also bought a fair few books but I haven't been reading those consistently either because the hour or two I spend reading every night is dedicated to 素晴らしき日々. It's my own invention sucks. Compared to one of the novels I picked up, Naked Lunch, its transgressiveness is just dull and downright retarded. It drags on for too long. It's the same scenario you just saw in the previous chapter but with 5-6 added hours of rape and schizophrenic hallucinations. Naked Lunch comparatively is shorter and more nonsensical which honestly makes it superior only taking those two things into consideration. I like to think of it as a prototype of those "Chicago Streets and Sanitation" AI videos in the way that it beams horrible mental images into your head about addicts for drugs that don't even exist yet and the things that go on within the dregs of society. Not to mention that it was penned at a significantly more puritan time in American history which warranted its outright banning in the state of Massachussetts. If only every rerelease of 素晴らしき日々 came with It's my own invention removed outright. There wouldn't even be any sort of consequential lawsuits ruled in favor of it because it's really that dumb and gay.

I was about to make a threat on SCA-JI's life in that last paragraph so I think I've said about as much as I needed to say. If you read this post-- and the blog in general-- congratulations. Why? Regardless, I suggest you keep an eye out for an invite to the elusive "Iaircord" I plan to embed into one of these one day. You will have to fill out an application before joining filled with all sorts of information. It is an exclusive club for Iairers everywhere. We'll treat eachother as equals and enjoy life without the reins of gossip and aggression that is pushed towards us on the internet daily. This unfortunately means that people with rentrys will not be allowed in. Sorry. I just can't risk discussion about systems and DID in the middle of the inaugural Last Exile groupwatch. Every other prospective member of Iaircord however will have the privilege of having another hardly-used mutual server in their serverlist looking at them yearningly. It's just an opportunity that you won't be able to pass up on. That is, if you even get the opportunity for it anyway... laughs evilly