Last week I had to split up with my girlfriend. This is an insane cold open from iair but I think anyone with a brain could tell that I was in some sort of emotional (and physical) pain with no way to really effectively communicate it at the moment because I had no idea what was going on. We cried a lot, it was possibly as civil as it could be and we are still the most important people in eachothers lives and I don't think that'll be changing any time soon whatsoever. What hurts the most though is that this was beyond our own control. She'd been holstered with such bad family and life circumstances, the former seeming to become substantially worse by the day, that it just wasn't feasible to carry the burden of this for as long as she could. She had to be on her own to fix things. It all confused me. We still loved eachother but something had to change and I didn't know why. I think it's all sunk in for me now, but it's just weird. It's unbelievably weird. It doesn't feel particularly that correct to even talk about that's how weird it is, and going forward for me, knowing how weird things are as of present, it's all a massive unknown.

It's weird because I think it'll be hard to ever love someone like that again. It's not something I can just do, even disregarding the current circumstances. It's simple and banal coming from me, but for her it's something infinitely more visceral and personal. There's just so much wrong going on in her life that whatever it would take to love once more may as well be really considered an "if" as opposed to a "when". But, knowing how important we are to eachothers lives, the extent of the gratitude that I wish to hand out to her still feels like it's intrinsically tied to the concept of romance in some way, and that makes me scared, especially when I'm interfacing with someone who is very clearly romantically unavailable. Maybe it's all wrong to wish that we could love eachother as we did again.

Having talked to one of my archaic mutuals (and friend of the blog) out of the blue about this beforehand, I've come away with a lot of information which will help me understand things better. For one, coming from someone who had experienced much similar in a prior relationship, the worst thing to do is to drift away from eachother; there's just so much that hasn't been said, amended, or made clear that it'll just haunt your conscience forever. It was never something I intended to do, and really it's something I never want to do. It's cruel. I know I'm heartbroken beyond belief and the best I can do is just not think or talk about it out of the blue, yet the wound still stings and often times I just say things out of the blue about it back to her. Worst of all, I know it hurts her too. I think all of the crying is done for now, the question is where things go from here.

There's been some weird insistance on her part for me to find someone else. I said prior that I just can't "do" that, but I think it's important to contextualize this outside of things prone to recency bias. I know that there's the held belief that someone out there can treat me better than she did-- there were a fair few tumultuous times in this all but nothing more than a day or two-- but I just don't see that as anything important. I see it more about as there being someone else out there to be able to properly receive the love I give; knowing that in the end I treated her very well was the thing that made me cry the most. Otherwise, there's still a fair few things that can be done. For one, she'd like to meet my mother. She believes that she's a sweet woman (and that'd be correct!) plus she's in that area a nonzero amount of times throughout the year. On top of that, I myself would still like to spend time together in person away from her family situation doing lots of silly activities. Shopping, dinner, the amusement park, etc. etc. As long as it's not there. In the talk with my aforementioned mutual was also this concept of needing to go far away from your perpetual triggers. It's only when you escape that life that you can really begin to live how you were supposed to. I'm in the unique position where I think that if it came down to it I could maybe arrange to hospitize her somewhere far away. A safety net of sorts, although the scenario that would likely bring about this is something not worth thinking about.

I think it wouldn't be wrong to say that this kind of bond is "pushing it" a little bit, and I wouldn't correct you whatsoever. She describes it as something similar to what the two protagonists of Veil, a manga I haven't read, have together. The synopsis: "... resembling neither friendship nor love, as if a thin, transparent veil is raised between them"; I think it's easier to call her my best friend though, and I like things this way. This perhaps may be a part of my apprehension towards throwing myself back out there because love is something I know I can live without already. I'm a peculiar fellow with some kind of neurodivergency that makes things like that. I can attach several names to it other than "autism"-- "schizotypical" being the most prevalent-- but none of them seem to stick. I just like good friends who are close and speak to my soul in a way no others do. This is what separates a "friend of the blog" from a "wastoid retard who should honestly die". If you're reading this right now, you're a friend of the blog and you don't need to worry. Congratulations!

This is short and depressing but it's what I'm thinking about at the moment. I can think of a thousand different other things to say but I believe I communicated these ideas quite well. After seeing how much it was a success talking to one friend, I think it'd be good if other (able-bodied and willing) individuals would come to have a word with me if they wish, condolences, advice, plain old discussion or whatever. Message me on X the everything app or the 'cord for that. I would very much appreciate it. Be sure to be on the lookout for Iaircord in the meantime where we will be watching Last Exile and arguing about english visual novels and the likes