It’s been a while since I actually published anything to the blog. This is due to a plethora of reasons, but really I’ve just been lazy. I know most of my followers will relate to this, as I know they are much more corpulent 怠けもの as I am. Do not take this as an insult though! Many societies were built off of being lazy sacks of shit, including Spain and Greece. If you’ve noticed everything getting exponentially worse as of recent, it’s important to acknowledge it as the direct consequences of the Protestant work ethic trickling down onto you, whose self-worth has deteriorated to a point of disrepair due to the commodification of just about every aspect of the human experience. You, just as the Spanish and the Greeks, are in immense amounts of debt, but you can’t have a mid-day nap or have sex with boys, so your spirit has begun to slowly die. Please consider that the only way to heal yourself is via the trueblissfuldeath blog and doing exactly as I say. I’m a smart man, after all. I have a lot to say, and I don’t allow myself enough time to say it. I intend to write a couple of “mini-essays” about miscellaneous happenings in my life. Please bear witness to them!
The marquee question asked by Saint trueblissfuldeath aka iair is why their body fails them. The answer can be as simple as the words “wear and tear” and can be as complex as “because you don’t help yourself in the recovery process at all, retard” which can also be expedited back into the former. Right now, I am dealing with a bout of what I suspect to be tendinitis my hands-- not carpal tunnel, as this is a “sudden onset” kind of deal-- which I’ve been dealing with for the past 4 days. The culprit for this condition is using the computer with a weird posture. I’ve continued to use the computer in such a way, albeit at a reduced clip; I can say for certain that it still aggravates the condition. Do I stop myself then? No.
Really, it’s because I find using the computer in bed cathartic. I like being able to lay down and browse the internet in immense comfort, although the consequence of that is having to use my trackpad and keyboard in such a way where it angles my wrists and hands at an unorthodox angle, thus causing the problems I face now. One might say that, because of my disheveled posture, the experience of using the computer this way is actually not “immensely comfortable” as I described it a few sentences ago. I say to that: “actually, you’re right, but I honestly think you should kill yourself”. That “warmth” I feel in my hands feels odd-- in a way it should be a little comforting-- yet I know from the slightest movements that feeling is inflammation and that I’ve been lied to my entire life. I now rely on ergonomic keyboards and trackball mouses to keep my delicate wrists safe. I also plan on maybe doing away with the computer altogether in bed, if not using the built in touch screen, and switching to my tablet. The tablet has a better display and usually fulfills the same purposes, so I wouldn’t be losing too much in that instance.
Digressing, it’s been no secret that I’ve been running more lately. I feel as if my legs have healed to a point where I can do cardio without thinking about the weird feeling in my knees or hip flexors or anywhere of that matter. That’s not to stay it doesn’t exist anymore, though, because it very much does. I’m beginning to believe that somewhere along the line I did sustain some degree of damage somewhere and that it needs to heal, although I have no confirmation of such (and I doubt modern medicine could give me a clear answer either). Whether I stretch or don’t stretch, whether I drink enough water and don’t sleep with my legs crushed by a human sized gerbil, a feeling is still there, and I don’t know what to make of it. I believe that the braces I wear contribute a little to the health of my legs, and for my own sake I will continue to wear them indefinitely.
My body is in much better form than I believe it has been at any point in time, yet my constant injury calls into question the effectiveness of my physical conditioning. I hardly stretch (as I never seem to be able to make it a habit) and my “warm-ups” usually consist of 1 rep of my usual exercises of a lighter weight. That’s clearly the meat of my issues, and just as long as I can do the impossible and make it a habit my troubles will begin to slowly fade away. You will just have to believe in me.
It’s been a month and change of how things have been between me and her. I don’t know what to make of it. She doesn’t know what to make of it. I never seemed to understand the “why” of some of the behaviors she exhibited before our split, and I still continue to try and make sense of them afterwards. I still find the circumstances behind our split difficult to understand. Frankly, I feel like there’s something incredibly important to understand about these types of conditions (specifically the CPTSD-BPD comorbid “domain”) that I feel as if has to be understood fundamentally: you can’t just “make sense” of certain behaviors, specifically in episodes and “splits” on yourself, because the nature of these disorders are not rooted in human logic in the slightest. It’s the unconscious feeling of self-destruction slightly present in just about all of us that rises to the surface unpredictably and makes you think, act, and do without reason. You eventually learn to become hopeless in the face of these things-- as nothing more than a mere spectator-- because there’s nothing more that the mind craves more at that moment than self-indulgence in behaviors that satiate that feeling.
With it also comes a hectic roller coaster of desire. You’d feel like nobody loves with more life and passion than you do at one moment, and then feel utterly incapable of romance the next. You become dissatisfied with the people around you and yearn for someone who fits the “ideal” that your mind echoes back at you, even though you know that the slightest perception of rejection or imperfection could send everything crashing back down again. Repeat with just about every other aspect of what you could consider the “fundamental” human experience. In a functional environment, her loved ones could acknowledge her turmoil and refer her to any resources that she may need as to begin the process of recovery. When everyone else around you expected to be a parental figure is dysfunctional in their own regard, with no desire to change their ways themselves, this is nothing more than a fever dream. You become desensitized to your new “human experience”. Your own independence is your way out, but that in itself seems so far away with everything working against you that it becomes a distant dream with just about everything else. You never had a say, not once in your life; these were the cards you were dealt. How could you live, how could you love. Why do I choose to love, when I know that it can’t be being reciprocated in the way that I yearn for before all else?
Understand that the disposition of mental illness is not one’s entire character. I’ve known her for almost two years. When I think of her, I don’t think of any of the things I described above in an instant. It is not the very foundation of her being. I see a beautiful, sweet young lady with an equally so inner child, and a kindness so infectious that everyone wants to be her friend. I see the moment we met all the way down to our smallest interactions. I see all that we’ve done for each other when it comes to tackling and understanding our own insecurities, finding a confidant in the most unlikely of places, and mutually holding a bond so strong that it may as well be inseparable. It’s okay to acknowledge that her mind can’t handle the burden that romance thrusts on to it in its current state & environment, it’s okay to acknowledge that doing so exponentially increases preexisting feelings of codependency and fear of abandonment. I believe in her more than I believe in myself, and I have been doing every act I possibly can in order to help her understand what the recovery process entails and how the cycle of trauma perpetuated throughout her family can be stopped with herself. Understand that love manifests itself in myriad ways.
When you both see a future with each other, it’s not something you’d ever just “leave”. The more you think about it, the more it seems hopelessly far away; you work for it regardless. The labor of love does not stop with the things that are immediately tangible, it concerns itself with events spanning into the far future, fueled by a feeling of trust and hope that can only be described as delusional. I will try to cast the first stone soon by visiting her and staying together, although a particular party may try to stand in the way of things. If you love someone in any way at all, do yourself a favor and tell them.