The plight of i_ai_r continues from the month before, and it continues with some very subtle changes that sometimes feel inconsequential up until the moment they aren’t. Foremost thought is that we’ve gotten most of the chronic pain under control. I no longer strain my wrists like I do and I have been doing a great job at strengthening the area surrounding the patellar tendon in order to offload the strain that activities like running so often put on it. None of this is gone, of course, and it’s getting to a point if I have to begin to wonder if it’ll truly ever be gone (but then again, I’ve often found that this is just how my mind works). We have to be rational here but often times I find it really hard and I hope you’re beginning to understand why. In fact, something that I believe to be the crux of this constant feeling of dread, that which I’m sure I’ve talked about a few times before prior on earlier posts, that of which being just how suffocating time feels at any moment.

In joy and in agony, more often than not in complete apathy, it comes and passes by unceremoniously. This isn’t just about the smallest of details that seemingly get washed away and/or melt into others (ex. false memories, although I find such happening to myself as a result of dreams as opposed to actual lived experiences), but rather the big picture itself. “Homogenous” is the word, and the culprit is almost assuredly the level of tedium that I’ve come to accept in my everyday life; it’s become hard to call it “involuntary” at this point, because I have free will and have leveraged it plenty of times in the past. To put it short I feel like the problem I face is fundamentally self-imposed and is simply the result of my lifestyle choices, very limited and not particularly time intensive habits & hobbies, as well as the ever constant aversion of proper social interaction or the allocation of time towards something properly intensive on the mind. “The Site” can very much be considered the latter, but as indicated by the gap between the last post and this one, it’s not really something I’ve gotten to think about to the point where I’ve felt the motivation to sit down and write over the past month. Up until now, that is. Regardless it’s not like I’ve tried to improve on the last one, yet alone try to put more time and care into it all. It’s just not the i_ai_r way. We are very spontaneous and often times forced into situations where the drive to do shit is incredibly volatile. This applies to anything at all outside of the aforementioned “hobbies and habits” which have found themselves as thankful exceptions to the tyrannical rule of the i_ai_r psyche after years of shock therapy. Many other things, including the first and foremost important things in my life now and beyond, are often times neglected in favor of the unfocused indulgence in the things I mentioned prior or frantic meandering asking myself “what can I do?” when there’s 200 different fucking things that should’ve been done idiot. There is a terrible realization that has come about from this and that I’ve been running for all of my adult life of less than two years, but that has only become important because everything has gotten to the point where being expected to function under the circumstances I so often find imposed upon myself has become constantly stressful in ways I’m not sure I can even feel on a day to day basis but only looked on in hindsight with absurd amounts of frustration.

I am an adult with untreated ADHD who is also on the autism spectrum and I need prescription amphetamines to function in crumbling western society. That’s the gist of it, basically, but I don’t want to think of that final part as being the only “proper” solution to that which I face at this current time; it feels like I haven’t even tried to remediate things for myself at all. Then again, you look at all of these measures that people try to put in place to try and keep their attention in check (including: the novel idea of having a guy hovering over you telling you “why aren’t you working, get back to work idiot”) and often times it just feels too gimmicky or too elaborate and regimented to be able to produce actual results out of it. That’s the dilemma I so often face going forward. I have no doubt in my mind that if and when I get evaluated I will come out with a case significant enough for a script for whatever secret stuff neurodivergents fiend for (and die for) on a daily basis (thank God!), the issue is then asking myself whether or not this is the life I want to live for myself.

Then again, it feels as if the common sentiment for ADHD medication is that it’s “sobering” for people who are suffering the same things that I do, but I’m sure that’s something I don’t know of at all and that which I am definitely afraid of. Because what if it’s not? Ultimately I believe I should swallow my fears of all of this because before it affects my ability to generate shareholder value it affects the way that I’m able to properly enjoy my life; my hobbies and finding the time to do things when and where I want to do them. Because right now it’s just a faraway dream of mine. The thing driving me forward to do anything may as well be attributed to “scorn” at this point. I see how many days go by with hardly a thing learned, an idea developed or just a thing done in general, and think to myself “wow this fucking sucks and I’m angry and I can’t take this anymore”. I very much can, and it usually takes like 2-3 separate instances of this right as I’m about to fall asleep to find the drive to properly indulge in individual things as I wake up as opposed to trying to handle a balancing act on the computer of like 5 different things at once. Here’s some advice from the most raped individual in existence to any of my readers who may be suffering similar: do not put on music, do not put on a video, do not do anything outside the thing you want to do if you actually want to do it. You have to deny yourself outside stimulus even if you feel as if it’s necessary; it’s with that which you gain the slightest modicum of focus. It won’t stop you from checking the phone every 3 minutes but I guarantee you that you’ll be better off that way. This very obviously (and quite unfortunately) does not work whatsoever in public areas such as libraries so you can substitute that with expensive headphones and a noise generator if you’d like to feel immense amounts of dread as you are working on calculus homework or fucking whatever. This exact method worked for me in the faraway year of 2023, sheltered in my community college library for 1-2 hours at a time in-between my classes, although often times my curiosity did get the best of me and I sometimes pulled up forsen’s stream to see if he took the Minecraft record back from XQC but you can’t tell anyone that. It’s one of my deepest secrets.

Back to the more general topic, on “wasting” countless days away: I would like to highlight that the summertime is an especially brutal period for this, especially when you are someone young and/or endowed (not in reference to Penis. Don’t say that) enough to still be awarded the luxury of such. First and foremost is the growing expectation of a constant drive to work during what is often considered a period of downtime up until you leave the education system entirely. Internships were an entire thing of their own for many, many years before, but now it seems like “people” (recruiters and all sorts of other unsightly individuals in the caste perpetuating the destruction of secure employment in the United States for 3-or-so-years and counting) are pushing the importance of “personal projects”, shit you do related to your area of study that can be relevant enough and intensive enough to be able to slap on a resume or whatever. I don’t like it. I don’t think anybody likes it. I don’t think that anyone believes in earnest that the days you spend studying and working under myriad series’ of imaginary deadlines should begin to mesh itself with whatever days of rest you do have; it’s just put loads of more pressure on me in my case, as I think of all of the things I can do, what I have to do, and what I want to do over my break (and even during the normal academic year) and all of it is shrouded in a cloud of perceived unfulfillment by a group of invisible suits who haven’t done as much as walk a mile in my (or anyone else’s) shoes. Ironically enough I feel as if I don’t end up doing a lot regardless, which always makes me feel nice about myself inside, especially after a year or so prior to this specific post I detailed some of the things I wanted to end up doing over my previous break. Guess how much of it I was actually able to do in any sort of capacity. It gets to a point where I have to ask myself how I haven’t killed myself yet.

… but I suppose the answer now and forever more will be that “I have time!”. I will have time up until I don’t have time. I’ve had time since I started showing these feelings of inadequacy long before I started looking at Touhou porn and I almost certainly will long into the future, where I still haven’t stopped looking at Touhou porn, and if you were expecting this figure of speech to imply that I ever would, I ask you in the kindest and most formal way possible to get the fuck out of here and never do as much as think of me again. I’ve run out of things to say. This is the blog. Goodbye.