My crisis has extended itself for another year right as we were on the cusp of figuring shit out. We're back to things not clicking as it should, and I don't know where exactly to tackle the problem. I'd single out motivation (or the lack thereof) as the driving factor behind this, but if I know one thing that's changed for certain and for the better given my myriad isseus, it's that I've found it in the unlikeliest of places. I am motivated by my aversion to failure no matter my discontent. There's an intangible skill out there I've let flow free; as if I always find a way. I can lose the battle. I can lose several battles, actually, yet I can't lose the wars. I think that's the part of myself I've really come to like as of recent. I don't think it would be as potent if I weren't as driven out of spite as I am right now. Things are coming about closer to an apathetic handjob from a woman you hate more than a complete package. The oxygen's begun to flow back into my brain, as I can breathe again, but the results stay stagnant. If motivation hasn't escaped me then passion is still most definitely AWOL. The strides I've made towards enjoying things more have been effectively rendered null by the responsibilities that I have burdened myself with. There's a part of me that thinks highly of myself, not in an egotistical way, but rather in a way that's just knowing what I'm capable of. Often times, what I perceive to be my capability is more than realistic. I'm underselling the term, even. It should be cake and it never seems to be; how long can I say that I have been playing down to "their" level? As things have been for several years, and as I'm sure that you, the reader, have picked up on: I'm toe-to-toe with my mind's perception of enjoyment.
Any intellectual accomplishment doesn't reallty register with me. I see physical accomplishment as closer to a necessity than something done out of leisure (although I've told myself that I definitely want to try and walk onto the track team next year). I can pinpoint this sudden shift to apathy to around the age of 12-13, as it's the earliest I could remember this attitude. This may also have been the onset for my depression. I really just shrugged everything off. Often times I felt like I didn't do enough. Most of the time I do know I'm not doing enough, as if I lucked into every ounce of success I've had. Looking at these past few months, I can see where that idea came from. I'm just surprised to see I was finally correct for once, albeit for something I wish I was wrong about. Now I'm getting the results I expected. Maybe I should be more mad about that. Maybe I need to switch things up even more.
I think I've "switched things up" far more than I'm comfortable with. Maybe what I'm looking for is another hobby. Something to really, really sink my teeth in, nothing that ebbs and flows like complaining about my life on the internet (have you noticed it's been 2 weeks?). I like the idea of drawing or sinking my teeth into writing a proper novel or story. I've begun trying to write poems, but often times my best ideas come when I'm far away from the computer. I often forget them hours later as a result (not much the general idea itself, but the overall prose and flow). I would be scared about what I would end up doing with a competent ability in art. I've actually tried getting into it several times. What often stopped me was not my lack of faith in my ability, but rather being embarassed because the invisible voyeur is going to see me poorly drawing anime girls and objects in front of me and shit. I may have psyched myself out of letting my creativity flow simply because I'm afraid of how others may perceive me. Of course, utilizing a medium where nobody can perceive me as my own person for all I care. I remember being really happy when something just happened to click in my process. Maybe the happiness is in something entirely new. I only have these sorts of liberties until I have to give myself up to labor, so it's more than right to go into a higher gear. That is, if I don't forget what I have set out for myself. Happens a lot!
I have to ask what I know about this idea of happiness in the context of the patterns that I've begun to intently observe recently. There could very well be nothing to derive from having to dedicate a large chunk of your time working towards a goal that you don't really see yourself committed towards at all, no matter what it could do for you greatly in a myriad of the more soulless aspects of life (the pursuit of capital, being able to tranaslate thick Indian accents, etc.). A more upsetting fact about my life is that I want to live in New York City again. But how can one live in New York City in YOOL 2008+17 without living as if they were an indentured servant? I need to make a couple bands by my lonely, that's how. This is my preliminary round and I don't think things are shaping up how I drew them out and have been drawing them out for my entire life. It's the kind of a lack of affinity that just absolutely sucks your soul out of your body. It's gotten to a point where I believe that the only thing that I could ever find this line of work tolerable (if not possessing a merchant marine credidential and being stuck in the Pacific for 2 months at a time AND if not for Adderall which, yet again, I do have a medical basis for) is by being able to swindle my way into a WFH position and have sex with my wife every hour. If I can't fuck my wife I will be staring at that IDE for hours thinking about the most cinematic way to stage my suicide, preferrably in front of midwestern Brooklyn transplants. If we're talking about like proper computer engineering work too? Vivado? That shit takes forever and I'm not even putting together fully-fledged programs-- 3 minutes for synthesis and verification on an assignment that required disgusting amounts of trial and error on a Ryzen 9 7940. What do you want from me? I have laid down my life for you and my return are lashings that cut deeper into the scars already dealt by your hands. There will come a time where my grievances are vindicated. You will not be there to see.
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