My Dilemma Of Loss And Abandonment Based Freestyle (Happy March)
I've been thinking a lot lately, so I've decided to take some time to reflect at the least advantageous time possible (2AM on an exam day) and attempt to find every sort of implicit meaning in my life up to this point. Rest assured, I've found it. i think I'd be better off not knowing it, but it definitely ives me a lot to dwell on, and that's more than appreciated, considering the fact that I can never seem to get my mind straight at any one time. It all surrounds the notions of loss. The loss of time, opportunity, a loved one, money-- ESPECIALLY money-- you get the point. In short I'm becoming very sentimental towards the "have nots" to my "haves"; I see it as a result of the life I've built up in my mind, the life I didn't live, as opposed to the one I am living right now. The present is incredibly underwhelming. The days melt, and nothing much good comes out of it. Who's to blame? What's to blame? I don't know. I just want all of it gone, and I've wanted all of it gone for quite some time now, and it feels as if the source of my unfulfillemnt changes every other week. Which it does, but I digress. Just what is it about the idea of loss that warrants such a connection to such an abstract world strictly in my head? I've attributed it to one thing. That being that all loss is perceived as death.
Animate or inanimate, something will end up dying as a result, maybe it's even a part of me. Hell, it's all a part of me. If it weren't, then this world of mine wouldn't be me acting on my desires and regrets of my past, that which would result in some death. Aversion comes as a result of fear, some sort of fear, maaybe that of abandonment but I'd like to think of it as something a lot more visceral. Simply put, I could not understand having something just to lose it. Thanks to my repeated moves in my adolescence that I never seem to stop bringing up (because it's actually THAT important I mean come on), I caught on rather quickly that a lot of the bonds you make in life are rather fleeting across the scale of it all, and at no greater time is this the truth than in your youth.
Hundreds are dead-- that being I cannot recall their name or their face-- but they're alive in my mind. A gestalt of memory that likely serves no other purpose than to remind me that, yes, a better time did exist, but it's too far away now, and it's nowhere near important enough for you to remember in detail. Yet, that's where the issue lies. Rememberance in the face of loss. I don't want to remember. Why would I have something, have someone, and hold it dear, if I know that I could lose it altogether, and certaintly not on my terms as well? This forms the dilemma which I've been tackling for time imemorial now, and I never think I'll get over it. Because I desire love, I have love-- there's a lot of other things I have, yet I want more-- but yet I don't want to be there to witness me losing it all one way or another, eventually becoming lost within a labrynth of memory, and maybe even becoming forgotten altogether, if not entirely distorted; this is death.
To where someone in your life leaves and you're left with nothing but what you've shared with them. To where you've occupied a certain space or had been able to lead a certain life with a distinct level of comfort, just to have it slip away before you even realize it. Maybe all of it has a unifying theme, a nostalgic factor, "how much better things were" maybe? Yet I'm sure you know it's the things that had not occurred as well. Friends, relationships, entire hobbies, groups, events, all fabricated and elaborate as the rest of my conscious thought, but all of it existing for the purpose to justify loss as death. I've carefully navigated around traditional, close friendship and intimacy as a result, to which I may have "lost" more via error management avoiding that which I had deemed prone to losing. What would be a simple "yes" to an invitation usually finds itself spiralling out into a multi-page dialogue, if not outrighted altogether with a simple "no". But it's contradiction which forms this entire greater philsophy, and I see no way I can possibly tackle it without fundamentally reshaping myself. What should I do and why? Will I be the one involved?
Maybe I should wait until I'm able to live with my partner. Maybe all will be solved then. Yet the thought of loss will stay.
Also, you and I can speak whenever. I'm not afraid.
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