How My Moral Compass Is Affecting My Commitment To Even Do So Much As To Care About Engineering
And I don't believe the idea has ever piqued me beyond a surface level either.
That's to say that I've only been vaguely interested in the things that my family has done, like with marine engines, and shit that made my eyes gleam when I was in kindergarden. Reading those Eyewitness Books and having your eyes glow up at all of the cool pictures is NOT a unique experience by the way. I've been there too fuck you. I found myself being weirdly intrigued about space and the moon landing (which is FAKE!!!)-- never so much about being an astronaut myself, unlike the unwashed masses-- because I managed to clock that space was scary and being an astronaut is even scarier because In Space No One Can Hear You Scream. It is a pretty common alumni outcome here though. I tried joining a VERY EXCLUSIVE!!! team that experiments with small shuttles to then be sent into space, got asked a technical question in the interview process, and then shit myself (more on that later). I live in fear every day that I am not immune to becoming an astronaut.
But as I've grown up and also become a breadtube leftist, I've found my interests being more far removed away from space and more towards trains. This is likely because I remembered I was autistic one day, and my entire life hinged on a single locomotive that I must obsess over day in and day out. But I've also got similar feelings about boats though; likely lust.
We're fucking boats this year and this year only.
And STILL I simply cannot care. There's something that just doesn't sit right to me when it comes to doing the work and, more importantly, putting in the work to understand exactly what it is I'm doing and how it is relevant to what I will end up doing. I chalked it up in part to my laziness and-- although I am really lazy-- that very evidently only made up a part of the problem. Then, it ended up becoming depression, and-- even though I have a proper clinical diagnosis for MDD-- that STILL wasn't it. Then it clicked the moment a certain South African started appearing more in the news.
By the time I'm done with all of this, I'll likely either be a deckhand of doing evil shit at a big tech company, or doing arguably equally as evil shit at a defense contractor.
"But who's to say that those are your only two outcomes?" some may say. Well, they're the only two that actually matter, because they're the only two that actually end up providing you enough capital to warrant having to sacrifice everything you love to get a degree in computer engineering. Not to mention the fuckton of debt I'm finding myself in, which warrants a massive ROI in either my job or a 100000000000x increase in XRP prices so I never have to worry about any of this shit ever again. The dread surrounding this hypothetical scenario that I've carefully concocted in my head as a way of deterring myself from getting involved with things that I hate, people that I hate, and also South Africans has led to a unique apathy which basically just allows me to half-ass things and still somehow manage to pass while doing absolutely nothing worthwhile in the meantime except going to the gym and eating Taco Bell every other day. Also engineers smell really fucking bad. If you're a woman and smell really bad that's lowkey fire though.
But yeah, what I'm trying to get at here is that, no matter how I frame it, no matter how half-assedly I carry myself around in my academics and social life, I'm on a one way trip to aiding in morally reprehensible shit for a lot of money. Distrust is growing in the most prolific American technology and engineering corporations (Google, Microsoft [although they're lowkey Indian], Boeing [them too], etc.), and not to mention the stigma that the defense industry as a whole has in the public eye (although I guess Boeing falls under this category as well). A lot of people recognize the American military industrial complex as something that very much does exist, albeit as some unstoppable omniscient force that should just be accepted as a part of everyday life in AmeriKKKa. Hundreds of billions in federal spending get burned going into military expenses and defense contracts so much so that demolishing the fiending for war altogether can send the nation (and by proxy, the entire world outside of The Beautiful Peoples Republic of China and Friends), into an unsalvagable economic depression.
Western power relies on the necessity to bomb brown people at a healthy pace. Now, what I'm about to tell you is an unstoppable truthnuke that has been deliberately surpressed by forces greater than you and me. President Trump and his best friend (The Boer) have their hands in one of the greatest misinformation campaigns of all time. The Boer's fictitious government agency DOGE, headed by a bunch of zoomers (and one they/them looking ass white boy who definitely should just get on estrogen already), alongside Twitter accounts with Ethereum domains as their username and Remilio holders, are all apart of a psychological operation to make you believe that the only way forward as an autistic male is developing your political ideology through internet memes and going into computer science. This is false (TN: 日本語で、このセリフは「そんなことがない」というです). Do not make my mistake. Go into the humanities and just do shit. Do whatever. It literally doesn't matter. None of this matters. Debt isn't real anyways they can just print more of that shit [money]. There was a published paper about someone detailing their experience jerking off to shota porn. It's real science because it's what the journals want. A start-up company suffixed by "-ly" is not innovation. You're reinventing the wheel and likely also reinventing indentured servitude for a caste of undocumented immigrants who are then spit on by affluent white women with Jersey accents on social media. Your observations made from shooting ropes to little anime boy ass is infinitely valuable than the life of one single NYU student. A collection of related studies from scholars across the globe from all backgrounds can form a gestalt in a movement that can change the world and free us from the shackles of STEMcels. They are "nerds" in the same way that The Boer is an American citizen. Each contributing hand is a chisel's slight chip into a block of ivory, it's holder Pygmalion, and the sculpture to be given life a better world.
