Paranoia, SzPD, Look Basically Fucking Everything: How YOU🛐'RE NOT HELPING (I'm just kidding. I love you)
The thought that your mind is working against you has have had to occurred to you at some point. I'd say it's not particularly a unique experience, but the "how so", the rationalization on why that's the case can very much vary from person to person. It could mean some very bad things. Do you remember "Bump n' Grind" by R. Kelly?
"My mind's telling me no, but my body, my body is telling me yes"
He's very much implying that his mind's working against him in spite of his dick being hard. He very much does want to fuck. But then recall what R. Kelly's big deal was.
HE PISSED AND TOUCHED ON LITTLE GIRLS
In short, don't be surprised if someone attempts to justify their wrongdoing as such. I'm digressing now, don't worry.
This is about rationalizing the faults and extremities of my mental and social capabilities in the lens of my myriad conditions, anxiety, paranoia, schizoid tendencies, Good Autism, et cetera. I know not the time where any of this shit began, nor do I see an end in sight other than suddenly dying (which would be rather 'odee' tbqhdesu). I don't think I've ever felt naturally comfortable anywhere other than by myself and/or sleeping. Also by myself. So just being by myself. A lot of things just never sat right from womb to HTML editor. Didn't particularly like parties, or school clubs, or any social circle, especially in my formative years, as those just ended up being ways for 12 year olds to affirm their own existence by having someone to play Fortnite with (it's important to add that I NEVER played Smash Bros at a lunch table). I didn't end up eating alone, though, and only moved to doing so right about now, because it's now socially acceptable to be alone and retarded in your young adult years (although I'm sure that only applies if you have any non-solitary hobbies. Whoops!). It's a lot more comfortable being in silence-- saying this likely as a result of my sensory overload-- but this holds true to pretty much everything I can think of. Study groups didn't particularly make sense either. How do I find people willing to waste their time with me who just so happen to share a courseload? For me, it's more advantageous to be with my bros, standing over a rather expensive anime figure, "wasting" our "loads" upon its exterior. But the root cause is extremely evident when I come to think about it for more than a few seconds.
It can be described as no more than a fear of being afraid to hold any sort of interaction beyond a surface level. An aversion there of relationships and anything that could be considered one, and a hidden desire to erase my name and face from the memory of everyone who had bared witness to it. It's how it was, how it is, and how it will continue to be. Very reaffirming, I know, but I find myself getting slowly better. Not to a point of "normalcy", of course, but I think I have some ability to do so if I really tried. This barely applies to anything I do online (interesting). Yet, sometimes I feel as if the progress I've made gets wiped away almost instantly by hilariously menial actions committed by other people (or nobody at all).
I live in a dormatory setup now, and it's not nice. If we're talking amenities, I get gigabit ethernet and a bunch of SHARED facilities with some of the most uncouth retards I've seen since me. I'm a big fan of vomit and piss everywhere. This has lead to me becoming extremely on-edge in places where I never thought I had to be on-edge before. I can't use the bathroom or be in a shower stall without the feeling that someone's watching me, or that someone will just pop up right next to me, which is arguably even more uncomfortable. I don't like it.
I was given the liberty of not having to have a roommate through my university's disability center, which eases the pain by quite a bit, but the discomfort is very much still there. Likely because my brain registers it as such. Errant knocking, noises outside my window, noise in general, actually, and not to mention people randomly pulling the fire alarm which, if we're talking 1-3AM, should likely be punishable by death. Let me sleep ass naked. Let me study. I'm 30 minutes into this goon session and a goon session does not end without a rope splattered across the wall just as a baseball game does not end without 27 outs (minimum, excluding the 7-inning double header rule implemented in 2021).
This (alongside other things which I've thankfully excluded from this article) has taken hits to both my focus and my psyche in ways that usually culminate to some sort of episode where I become extremely emotionally volatile and shut myself inside for hours on end up until nighttime, where I usually go to the gym and have a bad workout because my dumb ass is tired. This habit of constant gym-going alongside my habit of trying to eat 3500 calories a day has gotten me particularly strong, although I do it for pretty much no one but myself. I have an internet girlfriend already and I fuck with nobody beyond a surface level. A lot of people are very friendly to me, and I'm very friendly to them back. Maybe it could be considered a mistake on my part that I'm not making the effort to know them better in an attempt to add more variety into every day, but, yet again, it does not sit right with me. It never sat right with me, and it will likely continue to be that way up until I'm old and I can just do old people shit all the time, like having money, going to Thailand for ilicit means, and listening to music from my young adult years (my ass will bust a hip listening to Breathe by Yeat).
I possess no capability of discussing my struggles in upsetting depth without being in an episode myself, so stay tuned for when that happens. I'll be sure to have something here for you all. Fuck with me.
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